To Everyone Mourning a Loved One During the 2020 Holiday Season
“It is a privilege for others to know your grief just as it is a privilege for others to know your glory.”
This sucks.
This sucks bad.
My denial finally became reality.
I have been sitting on publishing this post for a while. I knew that when I put together the final words, it was probably going to get me. To be clear, it’s 8:50 am on Wednesday, December 23, and I have already cried twice today… and that is okay. I’m certain I’ll have another random outburst later today and I accept it.
For those of you that know me personally, you know that I am unfortunately no stranger to loss. Since I was 17 and lost a close friend to drowning to having some years like 2016 and 2020 when it seems I just cannot catch a break, I have had to attend way too many funerals for a 31-year-old woman. But I have always known that whenever Jerry passed, it would fundamentally jack me up. And it did. I could not have imagined that my worst fear during COVID-19 would happen with only two day’s notice. I felt like my world was falling apart and because I was 1,300 miles away I felt helpless. There was no other way for me to conceptualize my feelings other than yelling “This SUCKS!”
So like many people, this holiday season snuck up on me and felt radically different. While I have played my favorite holiday music from The Temptations and The Jackson 5, I was in true denial about the date. I would walk around stores and see the holiday decor but I was not really getting it. I suppose I thought that if I imagined it hard enough, I wouldn’t have to experience this holiday season without one of the fundamental foundations of my upbringing. But suddenly while in the car with a dear friend, a memory crossed my mind and I broke down crying. That’s the funny thing about grief. There is no blueprint. There is no warning. It will always feel inconvenient.
I have been on Clubhouse for a few weeks now and I have been intentional about joining rooms in the morning that are affirmation and intention focused. I heard a powerful quote this morning that stated, “It is a privilege for others to know your grief just as it is a privilege for others to know your glory.” I could not have felt that harder. I cannot explain it, but I always get incredibly agitated and triggered when people that don’t know me send me a message saying something like “I’m glad you’re doing better!” “You look like you’re back to normal.”, blah blah blah.
Newsflash. My previous “normal” is gone. The pre-COVID “normal” is gone. Do you know why “I look so great/skinny”? It’s because I still have to force myself to eat. I weigh less than I do now than I did in high school. It is hard. It is incredibly hard. I don’t share the ugly moments I deal with daily because who wants to hear that? Unless you are in my immediate circle… or my therapist, you have no idea how I am dealing. But please, do not make assumptions about someone’s healing process because it is a lifelong journey.
“Just because I carry it well doesn’t mean it’s not heavy.”
During this morning’s intention room on Clubhouse, a kind man named Marvin responded to my words by reminding me do not let anyone else tell me how to feel or what to do. I had to sit with that because I felt it. I can go from enjoying a glass of champagne to crying hysterically because something ever so small reminds me of my dear Jerry. Add on diagnosed anxiety & depression and you’ve got a good time.
What’s my main point?
To give people the grace or space that they need. Do not assume because you see a couple of highlights on social media that those individuals that are grieving are suddenly over it. COVID has ripped the ability for us to travel to funerals, to give our loved ones the service they deserve, and so much more. It is rough out here and finding moments of pure joy can be few and far between. I challenge you to give someone you know a call or send them a quick text letting them know that you are on their minds. I never understood fully why the holidays could be particularly triggering until this year. There will always be a hole even if you mend it.
And to everyone that is going through it this holiday season, know that I am with you. I am sending you a huge air hug and positive vibes. Take care of your mental, spiritual, and physical. Allow yourself to cry. Allow yourself to do something that brings you joy. Allow yourself to do what you need to do. Allow others to take care of you instead of you always taking care of others. We will get through this. And remember, you have to have a little rain in order to see the rainbow. #TutuLovesYou
Hugs and love,
CJ
“I am resilient.”
