What I've Learned About Grief So Far
I was fine. Nothing was wrong. I was having an incredibly productive day. And that's when it came back.
I did my best to hold back the tears because again, I was having a really good day, but I ultimately surrendered. I'm batting zero against my waves of sadness and I knew I just needed to let it flow. The bad moments will always pass. Even though it really sucks when you're in the thick of it.
Grief is a hoe.
9.5 months later and I learn something new everyday.
I’ve learned that grief doesn’t give AF about how great your day is going or that you have things to do and “don’t have time” to be upset.
I’ve learned that it’s better to stop and let myself feel the feelings as they come because bottling it up will only produce a violent outburst of emotions later.
I’ve recognized that in those moments that even my normally tough self has to be gentle to my needs and proceed with care.
I’ve comes to grips that there is NO blueprint for grief.
I’ve accepted that I’m only 9.5mo without him in comparison to 31 years with him and this is a lifelong process.
I have experienced the phrase “grief is the final act of love” day after day.
... I knew that watching the latest RHONJ episode was going to hurt. “Nonno” and Jerry passed months apart. Both were two outstanding men that got cheated out of a service that they deserved due to COVID. And to be honest, watching Tre in that episode felt like I was watching myself. When she spoke of how she and her dad were shopping buddies I LOST it. I promise I drug Jerry to every mall, Zany Brainy, and Barnes & Noble within 50 miles of Philly. That was my Saturday road dog and our time. And newsflash y'all, he did it anyway even though he hated shopping. That's just who he was. Add on seeing all of the pictures Tre would take reminded me of how -he- birthed the amateur photographer in me. I'm not gonna tell you how many photos I have on my phone, but I’ll attribute it to him.
These days I have more good days than bad but I still feel the hole. I know my upcoming birthday will be different. But I have a collection of photos and cards from him to comfort me during moments like these when I miss my first best friend. I thank God for every day I had with him.
Miss you deep my dude. 143. 🖤
